Welcome back, everyone, as I reprise my role as the resident skeptic contributor here at The DIS. It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it. If there is one thing I will never understand, it’s who exactly wakes up on their Disneyland vacation, stares down the lineup of world-class rides, and says, ‘You know what sounds like a good use of time? Canoeing.’ If you can’t already guess, today, we are talking about time-wasting attractions. Now, maybe you are looking for a list to avoid, or perhaps, you’ve got younger children or Disney-loving seniors that need a slower pace; maybe you’ve just booked too many Disney days and decided to challenge yourself to every ride in the park. I don’t know. Love it or hate it, here is my short list of top time-wasters in the two parks of the Disneyland Resort.
1. Davy Crockett’s Explorer Canoes (Disneyland Park)
You knew this one was coming first. Who exactly is doing this? You paid a premium to get into the park, and now you’re rowing your own boat like you’re auditioning for Survivor? It’s cardio dressed up as entertainment, and you don’t even get the dignity of a FastPass. The only thing you’re exploring here is the limits of your upper-body strength and how far you can waste that very expensive day ticket.
2. Finding Nemo Submarine Voyage (Disneyland Park)
Ah, yes, the ride that moves slower than your Wi-Fi in a hotel room. Crammed inside a steel tube, peeking through foggy portholes, you get to watch the same three fish animations on loop while questioning your life choices. People often refer to it as a ‘classic.’ Translation: it’s too expensive to bulldoze, but I think we should give it a try anyway. Keep it as a water feature; the space is exceptionally beautiful, but you can’t see me climbing into the mold tank anytime, ever!
3. Redwood Creek Challenge Trail (Disney California Adventure)
This one is essentially a glorified playground, and unless you are actively under the age of ten, you have no business spending park time here. Rope bridges, slides, and rock walls are all things you can find at your local park, minus the DCA ticket price. It’s less Disney magic, more recess duty. I read a brilliant idea once: move this play area into a public space and give everyone a piece of Disney magic in Downtown Disney. Then Disney could take this prime real estate space and make it shine with a sparkling new attraction with a similarly dedicated theme. Maybe a nature-inspired UP adventure?
4. Grizzly River Run (Disney California Adventure)
Controversial? Maybe. Worth it? Almost never. Unless you’re a thrill-seeker with zero plans afterward, getting soaked to the bone to trudge around in wet socks is not it. California Adventure has more than enough real thrill rides to make this log-flume-with-attitude redundant. This isn’t a light spray like Pirates of the Caribbean, or a heavy splash like Tiana’s Bayou Adventure. This is drenching you, your clothes, and all your belongings in a bath and then wandering around a theme park. In winter, it’s too cold. In summer, you become a human beacon of humidity. While the ride itself isn’t terribly long, the time you spend regretting it afterward cements its position on the list.
5. Main Street Vehicles (Disneyland Park & Disney California Adventure)
Charming in theory, a bottleneck in practice. Yes, the old-fashioned cars are ‘cute,’ but you’re literally just sitting in traffic while the drivers smile through the chaos. If you’re already exhausted, maybe it’s a novelty ride to the castle. Otherwise, keep walking, it’s faster. This short-distance ride-on is underwhelming, with little to no payoff other than knowing that you are begrudgingly featured in many people’s photographs as they try to capture the trolleys parting the crowds down Main Street or Buena Vista Street, wishing you weren’t in it.
Mark Twain Riverboat and Sailing Ship Columbia (Disneyland Park)
Do we really need two slow-moving boats circling the same river? The Mark Twain is charming the first time, sure, but after that, it’s basically a floating park bench with a steering wheel. And the Sailing Ship Columbia? Unless you’re a maritime history buff with a fetish for wooden decks, it’s the same lap around Tom Sawyer Island, just with more stairs and less shade. They consume time, offer zero thrills, and feel like museum exhibits that have escaped onto the water. Great background scenery, not a great use of park time.
There was a time when California Adventure, in particular, needed filler attractions like Redwood Creek and Grizzly Peak just to distract us from the lack of substance. Those days are gone. Between Cars Land, Avengers Campus, and modern updates, the bar has been raised, and time-wasters stick out more than ever. Disneyland magic is best spent on rides that make memories, not regret, so cut the dead weight and make your itinerary work harder than the canoes ever will.
