Let’s cut the pixie dust: not every Disney ride is magical. Some are fine, some are dated, and some should have been sent to the great attraction graveyard years ago. I know that’s sacrilege in certain fan circles, but pretending every single ride is a core piece of Disney history is like saying every menu item at Cosmic Ray’s is gourmet. We’ve all got our favorites, but there are a handful of attractions so dull, slow, or bizarrely out of place that I start mentally redecorating my living room to pass the time in the queue.
And yes, nostalgia is powerful, but it’s also the single biggest reason these relics continue to occupy valuable park real estate. There’s nothing wrong with preserving history, but perhaps it could take a more discreet spot in a museum instead of occupying prime space in Tomorrowland. Imagine the possibilities if Disney stopped clinging to attractions that are only still standing because they’ve got a catchy theme song or offer a short wait time (for a reason!). Wondering what I’ve got in mind? Might as well spill the iced Disney-tea. The top of my list previously was Tom Sawyer Island, which I am unapologetically glad to see go! Here are a few other examples:
1. Tomorrowland Speedway – Magic Kingdom
Nothing says the ‘future of transportation’ like breathing in exhaust fumes while puttering along slower than the speed of a grocery store scooter. The noise, the smell, the painfully slow pace, kids bouncing off the center safety barrier in front of you, it’s basically a parking lot with a 45-minute wait time. Give me a TRON coaster expansion here, or an electric car refurb, and I’ll never complain about Tomorrowland again.
2. The Magic Carpets of Aladdin – Magic Kingdom
Because what the world needed was another Dumbo clone, but with added camels and a queue designed to roast you alive. This ride is filler, and not even good filler. Let’s reclaim this real estate for something that doesn’t feel like a county fair attraction wearing a $50 Aladdin costume. We’ve already got two Dumbo ride structures. What is the need for an inferior third that comes standard with heat exhaustion?
3. Swiss Family Treehouse – Magic Kingdom
It’s stairs. That’s it. Stairs with a movie tie-in that most guests under 50 have never seen. Cute for the ’60s, but now it’s a leaf-covered traffic jam that people get tricked into thinking is an actual attraction. Tear it down and replace it with something that moves, preferably with air conditioning. This one gets a tick for nostalgia, but loses its standing in the relevancy race when most guests won’t even know what it is.
4. Journey Into Imagination with Figment – EPCOT
Before you grab your purple dragon plush and come for me, hear me out: Figment deserves better. This version of the ride feels like the Imagineers ran out of time, budget, or both. Scrap it and start fresh; the character is too good to be trapped in this chaotic fever dream that leaves you with more questions than inspiration.
5. Alien Swirling Saucers – Hollywood Studios
I’m convinced this was built because someone in Imagineering found a spare teacup ride blueprint and decided to add neon. It’s short, it’s repetitive, and it’s the ride equivalent of shrugging. In Toy Story Land, where the theming is next-level, this just feels like wasted potential. When a similar ride structure is already an iconic Disney classic (say some), why are we regurgitating this concept in another park?
Before anyone comes for me with a turkey leg in one hand and a pitchfork in the other, I’m not saying bulldoze everything classic. But I am saying it’s time to Marie Kondo the parks. If a ride doesn’t spark joy or only serves as a moving air-conditioned rest stop, it’s time to clear the lot. Magic shouldn’t mean mediocrity, and I’d happily trade a few outdated crowd-eaters for something that makes me feel like I’m in a world-class theme park, not stuck in 1987.
What would you bulldoze in the Walt Disney World Parks?
